I have been feeling a little existential as of late. What is it all about? Do people who are nearing the end of their lives know? And if I can't figure it out in time, what's the point?
Then I realized something important about myself. I like checklists and schedules. Nothing makes me happier than crossing something off of a to-do list and knowing exactly where I'm going to be at any given time. I miss my job because besides the fulfillment of making a difference in people's lives, it incorporated this. From x time to y time I will be teaching, then from y time to z time I will be correcting tests and prepping for another lesson.
I need to know what it's all about so I can cross off all the things I need to do before I get to the end of my life. I would also like to know exactly where I'm going to be, figuratively more than spatially. I just can't handle all the uncertainty involved.
I think my teacher mentality works really well in the classroom and less well in real life. No matter how much I remind myself, I still can't get it through my head that life is not a test. Will I ever stop striving for that A+ and learn to go with the flow? I think it will only be possible when I learn to use my organizational strengths in a different way.
4 comments:
As long as your checklists are connected to your core inner self (and not some average "climb the highest mountain" tasks), making them makes a great deal of sense :)
We must be related -- oh wait, we are!
I think our to-do/organized mentality comes from our mother. Throw in a bit of Protestant work ethic from our dad and *poof!* great employees but a bit anal in other areas. The need to succeed, the need to conquer goals, be ambitious, knowing what's what. Doesn't work so well when we can't know the future or find the answers to the big questions in life!
But I still think it's better to ask the questions than to remain silent and blase about life.
Mike, there are so many worthwhile things, many of which I can see myself doing. My ideas have also changed a lot over the years, so who's to say what's my authentic self? Buddhists would even argue there is no self (I'm reading Pema Choödrön right now). Thoughts?
(Sorry for the late reply, just now seen your comment :) )
Actually, I'm reading now Dalai Lama's "How to see yourself as you really are", so I certainly can relate to the Buddhist view of the emptiness of all dependent-arising phenomena, including ourselves.
But for now, I understand it as something that promotes flexibility, but doesn't necessarily erodes or nullifies the concept of authenticity. But I would love to hear your view on this :)
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