Quitters never win...

...and winners never quit. And we all want to be a winner, don't we?

I don't know where this extreme fear I have of quitting something comes from. It's normal for tastes to change, to decide that you don't really want to do something as much as you originally thought you did, or that unexpected things come up and as much as you'd like to do something it's just not going to happen. However, I seem to be of the never say die category and I feel that I must complete everything I have decided to do or die trying.

Over 10 years ago I set out to read Middlemarch on the recommendation of a college professor. Looking back I'm imagining him chuckling to himself about tricking keen students into reading the most BORING book known to man, but then I didn't know any better. I got about halfway through before I realized that I hadn't really understood much of the last 100 pages and decided to give it up.

The memory stayed with me though, and a Facebook quiz that wanted to know how many of the top 100 books you have read shamed me when I realized I had read only a quarter of them. Of course Middlemarch was on that list.

I had gotten my Ipad at that point and discovered that many of the classics were available free of charge and proceeded to download a whole bunch. First up, Jane Eyre. I surprised myself by heartily enjoying it. Then I decided to tackle the formidable Middlemarch. I helped myself a bit by reading a summary of all the characters, since there are SO MANY. I think that was the problem the first time around; as soon as I would get interested in one person's story, the perspective would change. And then she'd start going on a long tirade about English politics. But I'm really digressing here, aren't I?

I finished Middlemarch, and then decided to go onto A Tale of Two Cities. I was never able to get past "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." and now I have. But I haven't finished it yet, and part of me keeps wondering why I'm even bothering. Isn't life too short to read boring books? (along that same train of thought, I have a hard time rereading books I've enjoyed because I feel I should be reading these boring books instead).

If I really decide to never say die, I will also have to go back and learn to play the guitar. I wish I could get my Mom to force me to practice like she did when we took piano lessons as children, because it would make learning a new instrument a lot easier. But learning the piano was a lot easier than learning the guitar, and I sucked at the piano, even with all the practicing.

So, is it OK to decide that I don't want to read A Tale of Two Cities because it's giving Middlemarch a run for its money as the most boring book ever written? Is it OK to decide that I really don't want to learn to play the guitar after all because it's too hard? Is it OK to back out of a commitment that I probably could make if I really pushed myself, but I don't feel like pushing myself? And is it OK to wonder who I'm really asking permission from?

"A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read." - Mark Twain

Learning to be Compassionate

I read both of Brené Brown's books and I really enjoyed them. One of the things I got out of her books was how we need to learn to be compassionate. I think most of us can manage to feel compassion for others, even those we don't know. Friends tell us their embarrassing stories and we are able to allow for their raw humanity. However, when it comes to ourselves we are a lot less forgiving.

Tiffany at Gimme Bliss wrote a great post entitled Welcome Your Inner Critic. She talked about how we try to shut our inner critic out, which is often unsuccessful. Since we waste a lot of energy doing this, we should instead invite our inner critic in.  Pema Chödrön is a Buddhist nun who wrote about a similar thing in her book called The Places That Scare You. She said to imagine that we have a large sky inside of us so we are capable of embracing all these negative feelings we usually to suppress. We are not to hold on to them, but to learn to become comfortable with them so that they don't grow. Too often we try to do everything in our power to get rid of these feelings and we end up doing things that will hurt us in the long run.

This is the Buddhist concept of Samsara. When we search for things that we think will make us happy, we end up suffering more and then continue to do the things that we think will make us happy. It is a cycle of suffering. Prior to reading this book I only understood this concept intellectually, but now I understand how it can be applied to real life.

In order to break the cycle we must invite our inner critic in and visit. We don't need to do anything with it but sit in awkward silence until we no longer feel awkward. This is when we can truly learn to be compassionate, not just towards others but to ourselves.

"Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others." - Pema Chödrön

Existentialism and Uncertainty

I have been feeling a little existential as of late. What is it all about? Do people who are nearing the end of their lives know? And if I can't figure it out in time, what's the point?

Then I realized something important about myself. I like checklists and schedules. Nothing makes me happier than crossing something off of a to-do list and knowing exactly where I'm going to be at any given time. I miss my job because besides the fulfillment of making a difference in people's lives, it incorporated this. From x time to y time I will be teaching, then from y time to z time I will be correcting tests and prepping for another lesson.

I need to know what it's all about so I can cross off all the things I need to do before I get to the end of my life. I would also like to know exactly where I'm going to be, figuratively more than spatially. I just can't handle all the uncertainty involved.

I think my teacher mentality works really well in the classroom and less well in real life. No matter how much I remind myself, I still can't get it through my head that life is not a test. Will I ever stop striving for that A+ and learn to go with the flow? I think it will only be possible when I learn to use my organizational strengths in a different way.